HBO Real Time Oct. 31st

“If you think you have it tough, read history books.”

- Bill Maher -

“Religion is dangerous because it allows human beings who don’t have all the answers to think that they do.”

- Bill Maher -

“Why are decent citizens still being jailed for smoking the wrong plant, easing the suffering of the terminally ill, or accepting cash for sex instead of the customary dinner and drinks?”

- Bill Maher -

“What do you think would happen if tomorrow Obama showed up with Kanye’s crop circles shaved into his head? Stock market would lose 5,000 pts.”

- Bill Maher -

“We have the Bill of Rights. What we need is a Bill of Responsibilities.”

- Bill Maher -

“To really understand how whack religion is, you have to look at the new religions– which for this country is Mormons and Scientologists. Who I think should merge and make Mormontology.”

- Bill Maher -

“The BP oil spill is the worst thing to happen to beaches since the Speedo.”

- Bill Maher -

“To most Christians, the Bible is like a software license. Nobody actually reads it. They just scroll to the bottom and click ‘I agree’.”

- Bill Maher -

“If you think you have it tough, read history books.”

- Bill Maher -

“The problem is that the people with the most ridiculous ideas are always the people who are most certain of them.”

- Bill Maher -

“Tea baggers. The one thing they hate is when you call them racist. The other thing they hate is black people.”

- Bill Maher -

“I think capital punishment works great. Every killer you kill never kills again.”

- Bill Maher -

“If you think you have it tough, read history books.”

- Bill Maher -

“”Ha, we’re changing Operation Iraqi Freedom to Operation New Dawn – sounds like a Twilight movie – we’re not occupiers, we’re sexy vampires!”

- Bill Maher -

“Men are only as loyal as their options.”

- Bill Maher -

“If you have a gun, you can rob a bank, but if you have a bank, you can rob everyone.”

- Bill Maher -

All religion is just an opinion.

- Bill Maher -

“We have the Bill of Rights. What we need is a Bill of Responsibilities.”

- Bill Maher -

“I believe in the death penalty, but with better DNA testing – my slogan is ‘Let’s Kill The right People'”

- Bill Maher -

“Curious people are interesting people; I wonder why that is.”

- Bill Maher -